Surrendering to the Universe Pt. 1
As I was growing up, I always considered myself to have a Type A personality. I generally liked things to be done a certain way, in a certain order and at a certain time. I had major anxiety when it came to being late, even if I was 5 minutes early I wasn’t early enough. If things seemed like they weren’t going my way I would get all tense and think about ways that I could control the situation. If I or someone else were driving and they missed a yellow light or there was heavy traffic it would severely affect me because of the tension that it created in not only my mind but physically in my body. I am not talking about my adulthood, I am talking about my childhood and early adolescence. It wasn’t until a good friend of mine passed away my freshman year of college that I started to realize the things that really matter in life and look at those so-called “inconveniences” as blessings.
I am not sure where that need to control everything during my childhood came from but looking back, there was no real reason why a kid should feel this much tension and pressure to be perfect, expect everything to be perfect and try to control everything. The amount of pressure I put on myself as a kid and a teenager to get into a good college on a hockey scholarship was incredibly intense for a person of a young age. When I reached that goal, signed my letter of intent, and got my summer workout program I put that pressure and even more on myself because I didn’t want to ride the bench as a freshman. Not to say that this did not pay off because I was the leading scorer as a freshman but the negative consequences of this began to creep in later in my life and I realized that high personal expectations are great and necessary but not at the cost of your health.
When my friend died halfway through my freshmen year, everything that I thought I knew changed. I had to grow up fast leaving for college in Connecticut halfway across the country and I was already incredibly homesick and I wasn’t sure I could play hockey, grieve, keep my grades up and have a normal personal and social life. The mountain seemed impossible to climb, especially from where I was at the bottom but I did my best to embody my friend's energy and keep going and playing for her. I ended up getting Rookie of the Year and was the leading scorer as a freshman that season and I honestly couldn’t believe I did it through all of the adversity. I know I had someone that was and still looks over me. This was around the time where I really started to embody living for the moments, knowing that everything happens for a reason and finding a way even when it seems like it is impossible.
After my freshmen season I ended up having shoulder surgery. Truthfully I was exhausted from everything and this was truly the first time that I saw something “negative” as a positive. I was in incredible pain from the surgery but I knew I needed the rest from hockey and off ice strength training to focus on my physical and mental health and really dial down on the school work. I had amazing teammates but more specifically my classmates who took care of me during my long recovery and I could not be more grateful for them. I studied Biology in college and was in the lab at least once a week so this freed up some mental and emotional energy for me to focus more on studying for some of my more challenging courses. I was excited to use the time to rest and recover so that I could produce the following season on the ice and eventually graduate as a UConn Husky…..
